Brussels sprouts kimchi
and the story of how “Jude Law” maybe poisoned me
I spent 3 days feeling absolutely heinous from food poisoning — like, genuinely thought I might die by the end of it. Two things kept me going though.
The first: I absolutely had to drag myself to Marina Abramović’s performance called Balkan Erotic Epic, for which I had pretty good seats at Barcelona’s Liceu theatre. Spoiler: I basically crawled there, kinda cut the line (presumptuous? resourceful!!) because I couldn’t stand anymore, and there was earful from some local surly intellectual man, and I panicked and told him I’m pregnant (I’m not) and made him feel bad. I took my seat like half an hour late (let’s not talk about that), just in time to catch them taking the giant pink penises off the stage and watch the girls in headscarves get ready to go on, who then spent tedious 40 minutes screaming and showing their vaginas at fake rain to make it stop.
The second thing keeping me alive: the next day I had to catch a plane to an actual Balkan Erotic Epic — home to Belgrade. After downing yet another sketchy powder dissolved in water that was supposed to help (it didn’t), I started playing detective. Oysters at Compartir? Nah, my seafood partner-in-crime is totally fine, zero symptoms except for apathy and anhedonia, but that’s just burnout and divorce, the sea creatures are innocent.
Olives at L’Anima del Vi, where I got treated by “Jude Law” and an Einstein-looking Shakespeare specialist from Oxford, who now run fancy bike tours for 50+ Americans? So basically, for $6k a week, bored almost-retirees in lycra voluntarily pedal expensive bikes to a winery, drink the priciest local wine there, then get chauffeured by specially trained people to the next luxury hotel where they pass out, and the next day it all repeats. Honestly though, what the cyclists rave about most is this:
— We take them to some low-key winery where they can try wine for like 10 euros. And they’re all: “Harvey (Jude!!), thanks so much for this, it was really, uh, peachy, I haven’t had anything like this in forever!”
Oysters, olives... whatever. Let’s just start fixing the gut with some fermented stuff.
Brussels sprouts — 1 kg
Sea salt — 65 g
Chili pepper flakes — 1 tbsp (pour a glass of boiling water over, steep 30 min, strain, use the liquid)
Rice flour — 2 tbsp
Garlic — 6 cloves
Ginger — 3 cm piece, cut into thin matchsticks
Onion — 1 small, sliced lengthwise into strips
Fresh chili — 1 whole pod with seeds, slit lengthwise
Wash sprouts thoroughly, cut into halves or quarters by size.
Sprinkle with salt, rub gently, and let stand 40 min – 2 h in a jar. 40 min → crunchier. Longer salting → more juice, softer texture, deeper flavor, better long maturation without sharp “sulfur” notes.
Add garlic, ginger, onion and the slit chili. Mix to combine without crushing.
Mix rice flour with 5 tbsp cold water, then pour in 1 glass boiling water, stir and cook until a transparent paste. Why it matters: cooked rice flour becomes a nutrient medium for lactic bacteria (faster, steadier fermentation), binds spices so they coat evenly. The result is more even ripening, rounder depth, stable texture and aroma in storage.
Add the chili-flake infusion to the paste and bring to a boil together. Let cool.
Pour the cooled liquid over the sprouts. They must be fully covered: shake the jar so pieces settle tightly. If not covered, add water.
Weight on top, ferment with a water seal in a dark place at room temperature. After ~7 days, when bubbling stops and the brine tastes pleasantly acidic, transfer to the fridge.
May be the reason was bad wine pairing?:)